185 GALLOWTREE Operation Dead Names - LIVE at the LEICESTER COMEDY FESTIVAL

Finally, the time has come.  GALLOWTREE goes live at the Leicester Comedy Festival 2026.  For two performances, Max Black, David Ault and Adam Aardvark tread the boards and present a live episode in front of an adoring crowd of nearly three.

Sample the delights of GALLOWTREE live.  Experience the nonesense and audacity of the Gallowtree 3 as they delve into the mystery of 'Operation Dead Names', complete with mistakes, technical aux faux pas and the occasional giggle.

And of course, canned laughter to help you know where the jokes actually are!

Transcript

GALLOWTREE LIVE - OPERATION DEAD NAMES

SCENE 1 – INTRO / PROLOGUE

[INTRO MUSIC: Hitler Has Only Got One Ball]

DAVID (prologue)
What would you do if we could gaze into your soul and see every sordid secret that you have? Every mistake that you have ever made? Would it make you uncomfortable? Would you deny it? Lose sleep over it? Today’s question: where should we hide your past?

[SFX: GALLOWTREE INTRO]

DAVID
Welcome to Gallowtree. A crowd has formed outside the Police HQ where Chief Anderson is giving a briefing about something. Normally, it’s just the Gallowtree Gazette and a handful of pub hecklers but, not today. It’s strange that everyone feels compelled to be here – as if they feel they might get found out – just like in that dream that we all had last night...

[SFX: CROWD NOISES]

CHIEF MAX
Right, is this thing on? One, two—ah, one, two… 

[SFX: WAIT FOR THE SCREECH]

Damn! I wanted to update you all about some very worrying things that we found under the river bridge last night. As you well know, the water level has been falling fast due to the unusually dry weather recently and it seems that there are a lot of people here with things to hide. [pause] I must admit it makes a change to have your undivided attention, without all the heckling. You do know that it does nothing for my ulcer, you know.

Any hoo, we found a body in the river, and it had been put there deliberately. After some initial analysis, judging by the moustache and dignified bearing we have ID’d the body. It’s Lord Lucan.

CROWD – ADAM
How can you be sure chief? Is it the stiffness that gives away the Etonian-breeding?

CHIEF MAX
Well that yes, and his ID. But that’s not all, we have found some other bodies as well, that we have ascertained were Victorian sailors.

CROWD – DAVID
How can you be sure of that chief? Their old-fashioned teeth or kiss me quick hats? [laughs]

CHIEF MAX
No, they were all wearing the insignia of the Marie Celeste that was found adrift near the Azores in 1872. Someone round here has got some explaining to do. I am officially opening up a murder enquiry for this matter. These finds are connected.

CROWD – ADAM
Connected chief? How can they be connected? Aren’t you worried that there is a gap of a hundred years between the two mysteries?

CHIEF MAX
They are connected because they were found here, under the bridge. But we also found a lot more besides in amongst the bodies and this stuff is connected to everyone here.

We found a large amount of girls’ panties and a didgeridoo, but we have a line of enquiry open on this already. We found teenage pregnancies, failed business ventures, unsuitable boyfriends, shotgun marriages and a massive amount of East 17 stuff – There seems to be a lot of closet East 17 fans around here.

We have also found early recordings on the Anarcho punk label Crass, a collection of “big fat dicks” porno mags and an 80’s video of someone who looks like Vin Diesel break dancing, just to name a few that we already have suspects for.

More concerning though is there is an ancient book of black magic called the Necronomicon written in some kind of code that we are having checked out as we speak. Anyway, the point here is that we are finding out that half of Gallowtree is implicated in this murder scene. You are all under suspicion for the murder of Lord Lucan.

CROWD – DAVID
That’s purely circumstantial! You can’t prove anyone here was connected!

CHIEF MAX
Oh yes? So why did you chuck all this stuff in the river, then? You can’t have it both ways – either you were involved or you weren’t but all the evidence will have to be accounted for, and we will be coming to see you individually for questioning and the mayor wants to oversee the whole thing. Not so cocky now, eh? Too embarrassed to heckle me now, eh?

CROWD – ADAM
Chief? How are you feeling today?

CHIEF MAX
Eh? [pause] I’m alright.

[SFX: EAST 17 – Everything’s Gonna Be Alright – ADAM/DAVID dance]

CHIEF MAX
I hate you lot.

DAVID
Over the next few weeks the police continue their investigation, and many people will be interviewed about their dirty secrets found at the murder scene but some things will remain unaccounted for and may well remain a mystery. Like this book of black magic, this Necronomicon. So, how did this end up in the river? This story starts way back in 1941, in London during the blitz – we go to the darkened, smog-filled streets, somewhere in Whitehall after an MI5 meeting. A young intelligence officer hanging around in the corridor then collars the Prime Minister for a private chat…

[SFX: RULE BRITANNIA]

FLEMING MAX
Prime minister? Could I trouble you for five minutes of your time?

CHURCHILL ADAM
This is most irregular Leftenant, what do you want?

FLEMING MAX
We’ve had a breakthrough, sir. A possible way into the German High Command.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Hmm. [pause] Very well, come into my chambers. Who the devil are you anyway?

FLEMING MAX
Leftenant Fleming, Leftenant Ian Fleming, of Naval Intelligence special operations, Prime Minister.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Do you drink, Fleming?

FLEMING MAX
Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred, sir.

CHURCHILL ADAM
You will get it as it comes, Leftenant. This isn’t the Savoy Grill! – Kinna! Mister Kinna! My usual and a vodka Martini for Fleming.

CHURCHILL ADAM
You may not have noticed in intelligence, but there’s a war on and I am juggling it on several fronts here. Herr Hitler, Parliament, my backbenchers, public opinion and you don’t have to deal with De Gaulle. It’s like herding cats. I’m a busy man, Leftenant. You have five minutes – use ’em wisely.

FLEMING MAX
Very well Sir. Our usual networks are in ruins — businessmen, students, academics — all expelled or arrested. It’s a bit of dogs breakfast really sir, we should have acted earlier, Prime minister.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Agreed but that was on Mister Chamberlain’s watch – so what’s the breakthrough?

FLEMING MAX
We’ve found another route. The occult, Prime Minister.

CHURCHILL ADAM
The occult? Good Lord — bloody devil worshippers now?

FLEMING MAX
Not quite, sir. We’ve been working with Aleister Crowley. His international network still operates inside Axis territories. Yesterday, he received a letter — from a man he thought long dead: Dr. Stanislav Cockwanger.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Cockwanger? Are you sure you’re not pulling my plonker here, Leftenant?

FLEMING MAX
No sir, hear me out. He’s a German economist... and an occult scholar. Imprisoned for years, released recently — on Himmler’s personal orders.

CHURCHILL ADAM
And why would Himmler care about some economist with a gratuitous knob joke name?

FLEMING MAX
Because it’s mandatory in Comedy festivals and more importantly, Cockwanger claims to know the location of a book the Nazis are hunting — the Necronomicon. The so-called Book of Dead Names.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Oh, for heaven’s sake. You expect me to fight Hitler with Witchcraft?

FLEMING MAX
Not the witchcraft, sir — the leverage. If we convince the Germans we’ve found the book first, we might manipulate their strategy — even draw in the Americans.

CHURCHILL ADAM
Hmm. Psychological warfare. Now you’re talking sense.

FLEMING MAX
Exactly, Prime Minister. Crowley can open doors no diplomat or soldier could dream of.

CHURCHILL ADAM

So, why is this book so bloody important to Hitler?

FLEMING MAX

It is a collection of spells from the time ancient beings walked the earth before man. Ancient dark beings that command armies and wield immense, super-human power. The warlock that can wield the book, can wield their power. Hitler believes it’s a weapon, Prime minister.

CHURCHILL ADAM

So, we play on Hitler’s supremacy delusion? It could have legs, Fleming. How do we convince them that we have it?

FLEMING MAX

Crowley tells us that this book was mentioned in the American horror writer HP Lovecraft’s work and it was considered fictional, but Cockwanger’s information suggests that Lovecraft may actually have had a copy or seen a copy.

CHURCHILL ADAM

How so? Sounds a long shot

FLEMING MAX

HP Lovecraft’s father was a member of the Egyptian sect of the Freemasons – whose history goes back a long way. Crowley reckons that if this book exists, a copy would have been in possession of the Egyptian sect, and a copy could be in Boston – where Lovecraft was a member.

CHURCHILL ADAM

So, sounds like the Americans already have it, Fleming.

FLEMING MAX

The Egyptian sect is very secretive and the Americans don’t know about the significance of the book or that Himmler is actively seeking it. That’s why we should act now and beat the Nazi’s to it, right under the noses of the Americans, Sir

CHURCHILL ADAM

I like it, Fleming. But how?

FLEMING MAX

We know that Himmler uses a relic hunter to look for this type of thing, his name is Doctor Rudolph Oktor, Prime Minister. He is based in South America and does all of their dirty work over there but is very elusive.

CHURCHILL ADAM

So, he’s already looking for it? Do we know any more about him?

FLEMING MAX

There is one British Archaeologist called Doctor Independent Jones who has had a run in with him before, in Brazil. Do you remember the affair that the papers called carry on Goosestepping, Prime Minister?

CHURCHILL ADAM

No, I don’t remember. Did it have Barbera Windsor in? Who is this Jones anyway?”

FLEMING MAX

Jones is affiliated to the Gallowtree Museum where he studied under some crackpot professor called Polyphemus, who is a specialist in ancient civilisations. Anyway, Jones is the man for the job. I have made arrangements for Jones to be brought back here from his current dig in Cairo. He is currently detained in Southampton – shall we get this mission underway, Prime minister?

CHURCHILL ADAM

Very well. What do you need from me?

FLEMING MAX

An agreement for free travel, expenses and some wheel greasing with the American authorities. I will make arrangements to welcome Jones on board, so to speak. We will keep this most secret. I won’t even give Jones all the facts. I will keep you informed of developments by telegram.

CHURCHILL ADAM

So, what do you suggest we call this venture, Leftenant Fleming?

FLEMING MAX

'Operation Dead Names', Prime Minister”

CHURCHILL ADAM

Very well, 'Operation Dead Names' seems apt. Now, get out, Leftenant

[SFX: NOW GET OUT LEFTENANT]

SCENE 2 – INDEPENDENT JONES / GALLOWTREE MUSEUM

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING]

[SFX: KNOCKING ON DOOR]

DAVID
So, the game is afoot and our story now takes us to a lonely street in Gallowtree, as a worried looking Independent Jones is frantically knocking on the door of the Gallowtree Museum. Independent Jones? Most people just call him Indy. He was Indy before it went mainstream.

PROFESSOR MAX (behind door)
Who’s there? We’re closed!

INDY ADAM
Professor Polyphemus! It’s me — Indy! Let me in, will ya? I’m being followed by a bunch of dwarves!

PROF MAX
Indy! Quick, inside! Are you mad? You shouldn’t travel by daylight around here. They won’t bother us now. This is my dominion. Welcome to the Museum!

INDY ADAM
Who the hell are all those dwarves anyway?

PROF MAX
The gnome guard. Anyway, what brings you back to Gallowtree? The last I heard you were in Cairo.

INDY ADAM
Secret government mission. I could use your help.

PROF MAX
Later. You look exhausted. Let me show you around. Carter — Carter come and say hello to Indy!

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

INDY ADAM
A piglet? Nice to meet you, Carter. Why a piglet?

PROF MAX
Well I originally got him for B A C O N but I kept him around. He is excellent company, great for finding things and good for seeing at night – I guess it’s his carrot diet. Anyway! Welcome to the Gallowtree Museum — where the past catches up with you. I really must work on the slogan.

INDY ADAM
Beautiful place. Neoclassical

PROF MAX
Built 1846, designed by Joseph Hansom — you know, the inventor of the Hansom cab. He lost the rights in some legal wrangle with the Civic elders and had to build this in lieu of royalties for the mini portable museum that was originally tendered for.

INDY ADAM
What’s with all these crates?

PROF MAX
War storage. The British Museum sent their treasures here for safety. The Trustees kept me on to look after them — Lady Marjorie Montefiore of the WI runs the lot.

INDY ADAM
She sounds formidable.

PROF MAX
Formidable? She rules Gallowtree now. The Women’s Institute took over after the regiment fell. They run factories, buses, police — everything. Men just keep the teapots warm for them.

INDY ADAM
I thought the WI was just jam and Jerusalem?

PROF MAX
Don’t even joke about it, Indy. Lady Montefiore’s building her Jerusalem — literally. Men are the enemy of progress around here.

INDY ADAM
So the gnomes and PA announcements — that’s all WI control?

PROF MAX
Exactly. Step out of line and you’ll be knitting sandbags in an hour.

INDY ADAM
Why stay, then? Come back to London with me.

PROF MAX
Leave? No! I’ve a roof over my head, a vegetable garden, and all the lovely artefacts from the British Museum. Besides, I’m helping build their New Jerusalem. The Great Temple went up last week!

INDY ADAM
You’re helping them?

PROF MAX
Beats digging up ruins for a living – I’m building ‘Em! Though… I do have another hobby.

INDY ADAM
Oh yes? Go on...

PROF MAX
I founded a secret group — the Band of Brothers. BOB for short. Men only.

INDY ADAM
A resistance movement?

PROF MAX
Yes. Kind of. We meet in old bomb sites, drink home brew, play darts and complain about the government mainly.

INDY ADAM
A laudable endeavour no doubt – so essentially a pub?

PROF MAX
Exactly. Speaking of which — dinner? Turnip toastie, potato toastie... or the special.

INDY ADAM
What’s the special?

PROF MAX
Turnip and potato toastie! Come on, Carter — fire up the toaster!

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

INDY ADAM
Well, it doesn’t sound that special, Professor.

PROF MAX
There’s a war on, you know. You try making magic from turnips and spuds. Now then, why are you here in Gallowtree?

INDY ADAM
I got picked up in Southampton — I was arrested and interrogated. A lieutenant  Fleming from MI5 said I’d violated Egyptian export laws and would get twenty years in prison—unless I help them with a special mission.

PROF MAX
And their problem?

INDY ADAM
The Nazis are hunting an ancient book of black magic — the Necronomicon. They want me to find it first.

PROF MAX
The Book of Dead Names, eh? Typical Germans. So why here?

INDY ADAM
They think it passed through Boston — Massachusetts — and might’ve been seen by H.P. Lovecraft as he mentions it in his books – they think it might actually exist. I’ve brought some of them with me for research.

PROF MAX
Ah! The pulp horror chap. Egyptian Freemasonry, black magic, and Nazis — these are a few of my favourite things. I’m in.

[SFX: AIR RAID SIREN]

PROF MAX
Blast! An air raid – you best get down into the cellar.

INDY ADAM
Where are you going?

PROF MAX
Out there, of course. Only time it’s safe from the Women’s Institute. We scavenge bomb sites for supplies.

INDY ADAM
You mean looting.

PROF MAX
We call it re-purposing. Hang on, I’ll change into my air raid gear.

INDY ADAM
Oh my god. You go out dressed as a woman. Where did you get the uniform from?

PROF MAX
Found it on a deceased ARP warden with only a bit of blood on it. At night, I’m invisible to the gnome guard. [pause] Are my seams straight?

INDY ADAM
Yes, I think so. Hang ON! I can’t believe I’m assessing your seams in the middle of an air raid! This is a bad dream!

PROF MAX
Like a bad date, Indy? – remember the bad dates?

INDY ADAM
Ha bloody Ha – where’s your self-respect?

PROF MAX
Self-respect? I’m adapting to the realities of life round here, mate! I’m surviving. Come on Carter, let’s leave Mister sanctimonious judgy pants and get to the bomb sites or there will be nothing left!

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

DAVID
So, the professor ventures out into the air raid with his faithful pig leaving Indy in the cellar reading HP Lovecraft through the night to the restful sound of bombs falling in the town.

PROF MAX (whispering)
Indy? Indy? I’m back. They are about to sound the all clear, I reckon. Did you sleep OK?

INDY ADAM
Not really. I’ve been reading. I want to get cracking with the investigation. [pause] Did you have much luck, shopping?

PROF MAX
Indeed. Indeed. Put the kettle on, Carter! Whilst I will get out of these things. These bloody heels are killing me! [pause] Well, the pathfinders came in and dropped the first incendiaries in the Wellington Street area. They hit the Catholic Church and a knicker factory, before heading down to the marshalling yards further in town. I went down there, as the Heinkels came in, with the High Explosives and mines. They took out almost the whole of Temple Road. Going for the Gents of Gallowtree factory.

INDY ADAM
What do they make?

PROF MAX
Air raid sirens, ironically.

INDY ADAM
Goering’s terror campaign, eh? Churches, knicker and air raid siren factories? Doesn’t sound much like a targeted plan.

PROF MAX
I don’t know about Goering, but I managed to get a box of French knickers for the lads! Ker-ching! A smalls windfall.

INDY ADAM
I’m worried about you, Professor. Dressing up as a female ARP warden is one thing, but is it really necessary to have authentic frilly underwear as well?

PROF MAX
Details are important, Indy. Imagine if I was picked up by the WI and was strip searched?

INDY ADAM
Your knickers would be the least of your worries, Professor. What about your meat and two veg?

PROF MAX
Meat and two veg? Hope springs eternal. I ain’t had a proper meal in over a week.

SCENE 3 – AUNTIE CALLING / LOVELCRAFT BACKSTORY

[SFX: RADIO ANNOUNCER CHIME / DISTANT BOMBING]

AUNTIE DAVID
Attention! This is Auntie calling. You-hoo! Morning, ladies! Remember Vigilance today!

[ADAM & MAX IN UNISON]
“And Jam tomorrow!!”

AUNTIE DAVID
After last night’s air raid, I have the sad news that we have had 106 casualties. I guess we cannot make our Jerusalem omelette without breaking some eggs. But we have a home grown menace in our midst. We have been receiving reports from ARP and fire crews of a worrying and unacceptable new problem here in Gallowtree. Ghouling will not be tolerated. Ghoulers will be strung up by their goolies. We know who you are. Thank you for your attention, ladies.

[SFX: JERUSALEM / DISTANT BOMBING]

INDY ADAM
What the devil was that? What’s ghouling?

PROF MAX
Where’s my tea? Thanks, Carter! 

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

Ghouling started after a stray bomb hit Jessop’s. All the cameras were nicked, and lads began racing to bomb sites, taking photos of bodies to trade like cards.

INDY ADAM
Photos of what?

PROF MAX
Dead bodies. The more gruesome, the more valuable. We trade them for luxuries.

INDY ADAM
So gangs dressed as female ARP wardens, loot bomb sites and take photos of dead bodies for profit?

PROF MAX
It sounds bad when you put it like that. Demand shot up for the best pictures and now it’s got so bad that we started digging up fresh graves.

INDY ADAM
Dig for victory? Your archaeology… what happened to your dignity?

PROF MAX
Dignity? Your archaeology is just digging up bodies for profit too! Anyway, let’s start research. Tell me about Lovecraft.

INDY ADAM
Howard Phillips Lovecraft, born 1890 in Providence, Rhode Island, wealthy family. His father Winfield was English and became psychotic and institutionalized when Howard was three, dying when Howard was eight.

PROF MAX
The cause?

INDY ADAM
Supposedly ‘nervous exhaustion,’ though likely late-stage syphilis.

PROF MAX
Naughty old Winfield, eh Carter?

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

INDY ADAM
You’re a fine one to be judging other people’s morals – you grave robber! Anyway, Howard grew up with his mother, aunts, and grandfather. A child prodigy, but painfully lonely and awkward, struggling to make friends. In photos, he never smiles—with his long face, a chin like a side of beef, and piggy eyes. 

[SFX: OINK]

No offence, Carter.

[SFX: HORSES CLIPPETY-CLOP / NIGHT JARS]

DAVID
Our story takes us to a large house on a leafy street in Providence, Rhode Island. Horse and buggies trot along the wide boulevards to the sound of night jars in the bushes. This is the genteel residence of the Lovecraft family.

MUM MAX
Howard! Howard! Howard P Lovecraft! Come down here, now! Your dinner’s getting cold, my little shmoochems.

ADAM LOVECRAFT (Muffled)

Leave me alone! I'm not hungry! Why does no-one understand how much I suffer for my art!

GRANDPA DAVID
We all suffer for his ‘art’ round ‘ere. Stupid boy. You shouldn’t molly-coddle him, Sarah.

MUM MAX
You’re too hard on him, Grandpa. He has a weak constitution and can hardly ever sleep. And when he does, he complains of nightmares all the time.

GRANDPA DAVID
He’s bloody weak because he never leaves his room, never gets any exercise or sunlight. When the hell is he going to start school?

MUM MAX
Not this again, Grandpa, I thought we had been through this. He is not ready, the other boys will bully him.

GRANDPA DAVID
But he’s bloody 22 years old and looks scarier than Herman Munster. I think he will manage.

MUM MAX
Anyway, I am worried that the other children will corrupt him. I found a secret book under his bed when I got in to clean his room the day.

GRANDPA DAVID
A secret book? Was it all naked girls, with plump breasts and nipples like owl eyes? Good lad! There’s hope for him yet.

MUM MAX
Grandpa! Don’t be crude! [pause] No, it was a book on black magic in Arabic. 

GRANDPA DAVID
Jeez! I give up! Stupid boy! I’m going to McBride’s for a drink, see you later.

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING]

DAVID (ANNOUNCER)
And we return back to the museum, as the Professor and Indy muse further about the book.

PROF MAX
So, where does Lovecraft first mention this Necronomicon?

INDY ADAM
In many stories, though he always claimed it was pure fiction.

PROF MAX
So we’re hunting an imaginary book that a Freemason might have shown his toddler son—who denies its existence?

INDY ADAM
Exactly. But the posthumous note he left suggests he might have been warning us about something real.

PROF MAX
Alright, what did Lovecraft actually say about it?

INDY ADAM
It was written in Damascus around AD 730 by Abdul Alhazred, originally called ‘Al Azif’—the nocturnal sounds of insects, the howling of demons. It’s a manual of spells and ways to summon and control dark entities.

PROF MAX
And his sources?

INDY ADAM
Sumerian, Egyptian, Hebrew Kabbalah—a magical cookbook, not for beginners. You need astronomy, alchemy, herbalism, metallurgy, linguistics… the lot.

PROF MAX
And Alhazred himself?

INDY ADAM
A ‘half-crazed Arab’ from Yemen, worshipper of Yog-Sothoth and Cthulhu. He travelled to Babylon, Memphis, Irlem, and finally settled in Damascus, where he wrote the Necronomicon before dying mysteriously in 738.

PROF MAX
Any proof?

INDY ADAM
None. Not a sausage.

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

INDY ADAM
Oh! Sorry, Carter.

PROF MAX
I wonder why they called him the mad Arab?

[SFX: SOUK AMBIENCE]

DAVID
You smell Jasmine and roasted coffee beans wafting across the souk in the early heat of the evening. This is Damascus and a solitary man sits hunched over a desk with a quill in his hand and a crow on his shoulder awaiting inspiration…

ABDUL MAX
Right, Abdul, it’s time to finally start writing your memoirs. Parchment—check. Ink—check. Quill—check. Now… where to begin? I’ve travelled the world, mastered the dark arts, learned ancient tongues—and now I’ve got pigging writer’s block!

[SFX: CROW CAWING ADAM]

ABDUL MAX
You’re right, wise crow. Let’s try this—"This is the testament of all I have seen and learned while holding the Three Seals of Masshu. I have seen One Thousand-and-one moons, and this is enough for the span of a man’s life, though it is said that the Prophets lived much longer. I am weak, ill, and bear a great tiredness and exhaustion, and surely a sigh hangs in my breast like a dark lantern. What do you think, crow?

[SFX: CROW CAWING ADAM]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

ABDUL MAX
Bloody hell! I just got going.

SALESMAN ADAM
Good day! Have you been injured in a recent camel accident? You can claim some recompense for this injury, we at Karim and Co will get the smiting that you deserve, a limb or an eye, say?

ABDUL MAX
No! Begone! Right. Where was I? The wolves carry my name in their midnight speeches, their subtle voices calling me closer…

[KNOCK KNOCK]

ABDUL MAX
What do you want?

SALESMAN DAVID
Greetings, Great sir! Are you over 35? Have you made provision for your funeral expenses? Don’t leave it to your loved ones, sir. We at Azam Brothers can help! Cover starts from as little as five Dirhams per lunar month.

ABDUL MAX
Bugger off! Bloody sales Bedouins! I will never get this bloody book finished at this rate!

[KNOCK KNOCK]

ABDUL MAX
Right! That’s it!

SALESMAN ADAM
Good fortune is smiling on you, great sir! You have been randomly selected as a winner in the Kalif’s prize draw. All you need to do to claim your prize is…

ABDUL MAX
Yog-Sothoth! Shazam!

[SFX: THUNDERSTRIKE]

ABDUL MAX
Take that, dick-wad! That smited him good and proper. Now—back to the book.

DAVID ANNOUNCER
We leave the old Arab writer to his work and return back to the Gallowtree Museum and rejoin our erstwhile heroes.

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING]

SCENE 4 – MUSEUM INVESTIGATION / DEE MANUSCRIPTS / PLANNING

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING / CELLAR AMBIENCE]

PROF MAX
So, Indy, any leads on this damned book? It’s like searching for deodorant at a beer festival.

INDY ADAM
Possibly. I read Lovecraft’s Dunwich Horror. The town of Dunwich was lost to the sea, churches collapsing, bones falling from cliffs—people moved inland. Could be a clue.

PROF MAX
Wait, John Dee was interested in Dunwich. There’s a letter in the British Museum—maybe Lovecraft saw it?

INDY ADAM
Great, if only it weren’t locked away in London.

PROF MAX
Ha! Not necessarily. We might have it here in the crates! Carter, fetch the British Museum manifest, will you?

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

PROF MAX
Thanks, Carter. Ah, here we are—crate 365.

INDY ADAM
Well, let’s open it then!

PROF MAX
Blimey, there’s hundreds of Dee manuscripts in here.

INDY ADAM
John Dee. So was he a magician too, professor?

PROF MAX
Dee was more than a magician—a mathematician, an astrologer, he even owned Canada at one point. Some say he coined the phrase ‘The British Empire’ and had been a spy for Elizabeth the First. His secret moniker was 007. Brilliant mind.

INDY ADAM
So, why Lovecraft?

PROF MAX
He likely read Dee’s letters about Dunwich. Lovecraft’s story mentions a Templar vault, a fortune, and a sarcophagus. But his hero got it wrong—a page was missing.

INDY ADAM
So his hero sought a complete translation—could be in Boston, Paris, or the British Museum. Why would Dee be involved in black magic?

PROF MAX
Dee was a committed Christian, although an experimental one. He believed he could speak with angels in seances and learned their Enochian language through an Irish medium, Edward Kelly, who was a shady character and possible fraudster. But Kelly recorded all the seances and Dee encoded it. They travelled throughout Europe seeking knowledge, even stayed two years at Rudolph the Second’s court in Prague – who had one of the largest libraries in Europe.

INDY ADAM
So the Necronomicon might have actually passed through Dee’s hands?

[SFX: FANFARE]

DAVID ANNOUNCER
We are in an imposing castle in Prague. Armed guards stand at the doorway to a great hall. This is the Great Hall of Rudolph the Second, Emperor and Pontiff of the Holy Roman Empire. I hope Dee and Kelly now know what they are doing…

HERALD MAX
Your magnificence! John Dee and Edward Kelly from the court of Queen Elizabeth of England!

RUDOLPH DAVID
Welcome! What news of Queen Elizabeth? Have you come to convert my empire to Protestantism, perchance, Mister Dee?

DEE ADAM
Your majesty, I seek divine truth! For forty years I’ve called on angels to reveal the secrets of creation itself—using this stone they talk to me.

RUDOLPH DAVID
Not today, thank you. Master-at-Arms, remove these lunatics.

DEE ADAM

Wait! I can bring God’s word to life—a real spiritual experience for all! A Magic Church!

RUDOLPH DAVID

Nuttier than a vegetarian lunch. No thank you! Not today!

KELLY MAX
What my colleague Dee means, sire, is… he can turn base metals into gold.

RUDOLPH DAVID
Gold? Well, why didn’t you say so? Feed them, lodge them, pamper them! This great English alchemist and his ward are now under my protection!

DEE ADAM (WHISPER)
Gold? Why in God’s name did you tell them that? They’ll string us up when they find out!

KELLY MAX
Relax, Dee. It’s a free lunch! Now—step right up, ladies! Pick a card, any card! Oh, has it slipped into my tights? Best check for yourself, darling…

DAVID ANNOUNCER
And so we leave John Dee and Kelly in the safe haven of King Rudolph’s court, and travel back to the Museum in 1941.

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING / MUSEUM AMBIENCE]

PROF MAX
So, Indy, Dee may have found the Necronomicon in the Holy Roman Emperor’s library.

INDY ADAM
Ok, but the British Museum manifest doesn’t say Necronomicon—it lists Liber Logaeth, the Book of the Speech of God, with 101 grids written by Kelly in 1583.

PROF MAX
Then it’s probably just Dee’s Enochian séances. But if he did translate it, how did it reach Boston centuries later for the Lovecraft’s to find?

INDY ADAM
Winfield Lovecraft’s Egyptian Freemason connections might explain that. Do you know the sect’s origins?

PROF MAX
Strasbourg, 1781, founded by Count Alessandro Cagliostro.

[SFX: DUN DUN DUN]

He was born in poverty in Palermo but studied a lot and became a chemist, an occultist, and an adventurer, although he was somewhat of a rogue. He likely acquired Dee’s translation somewhere and it could have made its way to the U.S. after the French Revolution via the Egyptian Freemasons sect.

INDY ADAM
Which Winfield Lovecraft joined in Boston. So, the book’s path makes sense. What happened to Cagliostro? 

[SFX: DUN DUN DUN]

PROF MAX
Apparently, he had a spot of bother in Rome, in the end.

DAVID ANNOUNCER
Cagliostro... 

[SFX: DUN DUN DUN]

stands outside the Vatican walls in Rome after a long journey from France where he had escaped Madame Guillotine. He hopes that the Holy Roman Emperor (not Rudolph the Second this time! This is 1795!)… anyway, he hopes that the Pope will offer him sanctuary.

[KNOCK KNOCK AT DOOR]

GUARD ADAM
No more pilgrims today! We’re full by order of the Pope.

CAGLIOSTRO MAX
Do you know who I am? I am Count Alessandro Cagliostro!

[SFX: DUN DUN DUN]

I demand an audience with his magnificence!

GUARD ADAM
Prove it, mate!

CAGLIOSTRO MAX
I studied under St Germain, learned the Templar mysteries, have flown above the molten bronze rivers of the underworld, met the ascended masters, can practise prophecy and heal, invented the Egyptian rites and visited Solomon’s palace!

GUARD ADAM
No. Proper ID, mate. You know, with a picture or something.

CAGLIOSTRO MAX
Si si, I thinka so. Cart driver’s license… Ah! And this my Freemasonry card.

GUARD ADAM
Ah, right. Come in, Count.

CAGLIOSTRO MAX
Thank you! Now to see his magnificence—

GUARD ADAM
No mate, you’re under arrest. Freemasonry has just been outlawed by the Pontiff as heresy, mate! Off to the Inquisition for you!

CAGLIOSTRO MAX
Damn! I should’ve used my CAMRA card!

DAVID ANNOUNCER
We leave Cagliostro 

[SFX: DUN DUN DUN] 

in the hands of the Inquisition and return back to the Gallowtree Museum.

[SFX: DISTANT BOMBING]

INDY ADAM
Professor, that book—do you think it’s cursed? All the people tied to it met awful ends.

PROF MAX
Let’s see… Winfield Lovecraft died insane, his son—obsessed with the thing—died at 37; Dee died penniless; Cagliostro died in a Papal prison; and old Abdul Alhazred went mad writing the bloody thing. So yes, Indy, it’s got form.

INDY ADAM
At this rate, we’ll never find it.

PROF MAX
Hmm… there might be another way. Let’s have another look at Dee’s manuscripts—the Liber Logaeth.

[SFX: OINK OINK ADAM]

PROF MAX
Good pig. Now—it’s just grids of Arabic numbers, pages and pages of them—I must be in some kind of code.

INDY ADAM
Could be. He was a spy, after all.

PROF MAX
Exactly. Ciphers were the language of royal courts back then—ask Mary Queen of Scots. But her code got cracked, and she lost her head.

INDY ADAM
So what kind would Dee use?

PROF MAX
A mathematician’s, probably.

INDY ADAM
So… nigh on impossible to crack, then?

PROF MAX
It will be challenging, yes.

INDY ADAM
And then they are in Enochian too—like trying to read a Rosetta Stone with no third modern language to translate from.

PROF MAX
There were four languages on the Rosetta Stone, Indy.

INDY ADAM
Really? I only remember hieroglyphs, demotic script, and Greek.

PROF MAX
And English.

INDY ADAM
English? So, what does it say then, smarty-pants?

PROF MAX
‘Captured in Egypt by the British Army, 1801.’

INDY ADAM
Clever dick! Ok, so let’s go through this. We need to learn Enochian, crack the cipher, and hope it’s the Necronomicon?

PROF MAX
That’s Plan A. Plan B: find another copy, which means going to Boston, hoping that Oktor hasn’t got there first. Or Plan C—the practical one—write it ourselves.

INDY ADAM
You mean forge it?

PROF MAX
Let’s call it ‘advanced scholarship.’ We’ve got some original blank Dee tables we could fill in convincingly, in Latin, present the translation to MI5, then we would be heroes. You would get a medal, Carter would get a go-cart, and I would get a cushy job at the British Museum!

INDY ADAM
Agreed. Which do you want to start on—book or cipher?

PROF MAX
Heads book, tails cipher.

INDY ADAM
Heads. So—I get 8th-century Arabic black magic. Any ideas?

PROF MAX
Make it sound like Welsh with a heavy cold.

INDY ADAM
So… like someone vomiting then?

SCENE 5 – THE RIVER REVEAL / MAYOR ANNOUNCEMENT / RE-ASSESSMENTS

DAVID
So, that’s how the grimoire got into the river here. Back to our current predicament—the police have been conducting their investigation into everyone for the murder of Lord Lucan, and the Mayor is about to make an announcement to the whole town.

[SFX: SONIC BANG / FLASH OF LIGHT]

MAYOR DAVID
My dearest children of Gallowtree, come suckle with your mother, let me run my fingers through your hair and whisper in your pretty little ears a while.

You have been very naughty. As we have now seen all of your misdemeanours and crimes, I have been forced to evoke a clause in the town’s autonomous status charter.

This requires us to be inspected by the Ministry of Equality and clandestine bondage for our town’s continuing suitability to be fully independent.

We will show them that we are a proud, hard-working, patriotic community—not a failed state full of track-suited criminals, layabouts and perverts.

To make sure we’re giving full civic value, all citizens must re-apply for their own positions in society and their civic suitability for this role be re-assessed.

Equality means that everyone reapplies—the employed, business owners, those on benefits, children, retirees, pub regulars, golfers, zombies and even florists. We will find out who has been naughty and who has been nice, just like Santa.

To help with this noble effort, the head Florist Mister Bridger has kindly offered to conduct the citizen re-assessments overseen by the man from the Ministry, Doctor Jonathan Clark.

Mister Bridger has also selflessly constructed a pot pori factory which will provide jobs and accommodation for those citizens who have been re-assigned. A private initiative for work and housing—the Gallowtree Pot pori work-house, if you like. Progressive. Visionary. Fragrant.

I call it Free-Market Equality. Or Talent-Show Socialism, if you will.

The first citizen re-application letters go out today and interviews will start immediately.

Remember—you voted for this. Now it’s time to pay. Thank you.

[SFX: STROBING PURPLE GLOW / CROWD GASPS]

DAVID ANNOUNCER
The Mayor glowed a strobing purple colour, rose to a height of about twenty feet, and then re-cloaked, leaving the crowd open-mouthed looking at each other in disbelief.

It wasn’t long before the brown envelopes began hitting people’s doormats, inviting them to attend the mandatory re-assessment interviews conducted by Head Florist, Mister Bridger.

We now join the front of the queue at the civic centre.

[SFX: CIVIC CENTRE AMBIENCE / CATTLE PROD HUM]

GUARD DAVID
Right, let’s be avin’ ya! Max Black! You’re next. Just wait here and be quiet for a sec or I will use the cattle prod! Right, in you go, Mister Bridger is ready for you. Ha ha ha.

BRIDGER ADAM
You. Stand on the X, no, there. I have your re-application form here, Mister Black. Or should, I say, excuse sob story? So, you are some two-bit radio presenter at Gallowtree Radio. Hardly a career choice, eh? I see that you have no qualifications for the post other than this… what? You recorded a track on a post-punk anarchy album as a teenager and you expect that to cut the mustard with me and Dr Clarke here?

MAX
Well, I grew up in the Post Punk era.

BRIDGER ADAM
Post Punk? You fool. The world has moved on. The world that WE live in, the world that WE run, is post-colonial, post-industrial, post-post-modernist, post-hope, post-community, post-caring for your sort! Post punk? More like post-a-dog-turd-through-my-letterbox. You had better get with the Party programme round here.

Well, I vote Pot Pori work-house for you. Have you any final bleatings, pleadings for Dr Clarke? He has come a long way to hear this ‘defence’ of yours.

MAX
Right then! I was on a Crass album in 1983. It was jauntily called Bullshit Detector 3. My track was so crap you wished you were deaf. But there was a track on side B that was by Napalm Death.

BRIDGER ADAM
Is that it?

MAX
No, try this. This is my hi-ku defence:
“Yes I want to keep my job, but writing hi-ku is very diffic—”

DAVID ANNOUNCER
As soon as the radio host had spoken these words, a noticeable change came over Doctor Clark. The previously uninterested suited official became agitated, stood up, throwing his papers on the floor, and pulled out a pair of sunglasses as he walked over and stood next to Max in front of Bridger.

BRIDGER ADAM
Doctor Clark? What the hell are you doing?

DAVID ANNOUNCER
And then Doctor Clark began to speak...

CLARK MAX

I used to do punk poetry, 

Many years ago, 

In those beer-stained pubs—

The vomit, the BO.

But later in the 80’s, 

I didn’t get many gigs, 

Because rap music, 

Was now the poetry for the kids.

So, I went to night school,

And studied fruit and Zen, 

Became a doctor of colonial fruitology, 

And then, 

I landed the top Del Monte gig. 

They gave me a white suit, hat, and a wig.

I was the grapefruit Mengele, 

The pineapple Rudolph Hess. 

This man from Del Monte, 

He always says 'yes'.

Then a canning factory accident, 

Almost left me for dead. 

I woke up to the men from the ministry, 

Standing round my bed.

They had given me a pin-stripe cum-quat for a heart. 

Now I could smell rotten fruit like a martial art.

When the layabout scroungers chance their arm, 

Have a go—

This man from the Ministry, 

He always says 'No'!

But listening to his crap poem and the Crass album track,

Has brought all this punk malarkey spewing right back. 

I’m a punk poet, not a cop, not a narc. 

I’m leaving the Ministry—

The return of the Poet, 

Doctor Johnny Cooper Clarke.

DAVID ANNOUNCER
Clarke then turned to the lone radio presenter and whispered in his ear.

MAX
Run.

[SFX: CHAOS / CIVIC CENTRE AMBIENCE]

DAVID ANNOUNCER
And so, after the ensuing chaos during the collapse of the enquiry, everything just kind of went back to normal in Gallowtree—which everyone agreed was probably for the best.

We all have our secrets, our rotten fruit that we throw into the river, but when we are forced to go back and examine those skeletons many years later, we might just find a poem that can tame beasts.

One question still remains, though — who dropped the book of black magic in the river? It seemed to have served its writers well, but not so Herr Doctor Oktor, the Nazi relic hunter. After the old switcheroo, he ended up with the Gallowtree copy, and when it was finally decoded in Berlin, he discovered its true meaning:

“HITLER HABET TANTUM UNUM PILA”

Which, as we all know, means: 'Hitler has only got one ball.'

[SFX: END MUSIC]

CREDITS – DAVID
You have been listening to a Gallowtree Entertainment Production. The show today was an abridged version of several episodes originally broadcast in 2015 and 2016.

Gallowtree is written by Max Black and Adam Aardvark and was performed by Max Black, Adam Aardvark, and me, David Ault. Thank you for listening.

And remember, on your journey home, Gallowtree may be just around the corner. Welcome to Gallowtree, again and again and again.

[SFX: OUT MUSIC]

DAVID
Thank you, Eustace...